(Clockwise from top left) Ted Olson, Robert Giuffra, Reid Weingarten and Marc Kasowitz. (Photos: ALM)

 

President Donald Trump will hire Marc Kasowitz as outside counsel to assist in the Russia probe, Fox Business and ABC News reported on Tuesday.

That Trump would retain the Kasowitz, Benson, Torres & Friedman name partner is not surprising—Kasowitz over the past 15 years has represented Trump in multiple matters, including real estate deals, a libel suit, divorce records and portions of the Trump University fraud suit.

Jenna Greene

But why have just one first-chair litigator? Where’s the fun in that?

The president is interested in bringing in “a team of lawyers,” The Washington Post reported on Monday. According to the Post, Theodore Olson, Robert Giuffra Jr. and Reid Weingarten have also already spoken to the White House about the gig.

I have to wonder what their elevator pitches to Trump might sound like.

Here’s what I imagine:

Theodore Olson—Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher

You know George W. Bush? The guy who got to be president even though his Electoral College total was tiny? So much smaller than yours. That was thanks to me. Think what I could do for you, with your tremendous Electoral College vote.

Let’s agree not to talk about how I defended gay marriage. I’m sure you’d rather hear about how I sued the State Department over Hillary Clinton’s emails.

Also, don’t mind my colleague Ted Boutrous. He is a totally different Ted. Definitely don’t read his tweets. (“I repeat: I will represent pro bono anyone #Trump sues for exercising their free speech rights.” “Firing ‘FBI Director in the midst of a high-stakes investigation of Russian influence’ on President’s inner circle is a ‘horrifying breach’”).

 

Robert Giuffra–Sullivan & Cromwell

Do you constantly spew pollution? Emit lots of hot air? Then I’m your man.

Or let’s say something is systematically rigged. An emissions test, an election, whatever. I can save you from ruin—just ask VW. Though it also helps if you have $19 billion to spare for settlements. Bonus: I did it working with Robert Mueller as settlement master. Does the name ring a bell?

The point is, I know how to protect brands before they become “irreparably tarnished.”

Anyone need some polishing?

 

Reid Weingarten—Steptoe & Johnson LLP

Pull up a chair. Let me tell you a charming anecdote about my dog Emma or the time I went kayaking. You’re going to want me to be your best friend. Judges, juries, opposing counsel—everyone likes me. I am one of the most likeable people you will ever meet—and it makes me a brutally effective advocate.

We can hang out with my other best friend, Eric Holder.

Maybe you’ll fit in with my other clients too. As I once put it, “These are all big-ego, extraordinarily successful people who find themselves dramatically at odds with Uncle Sam, because typically people don’t come to me unless the Justice Department wants to put them in prison for a long time and take all their money.”

Mmm hmm.

If Trump does indeed tap one or all of them, it’ll be fun to see how they all play together. It’s not as if any of them have strong personalities or like to be in charge, right?

In any case, I hope Kasowitz Benson partner Joe Lieberman is now off the list to head the FBI. Because it would look a teensy bit suspicious if Trump’s personal lawyer and his pick for the top law enforcement official used to practice law together. Some conflicts are just too big to waive.